Time Isn't Wasted When You're Getting Wasted.

2012-01-07T01:11:00.000-08:00

When you imagine these fantasy scenarios in your mind, it seems so perfect. It is so perfect that you actually want it to happen. Strangely enough, for me, it did happen. It WAS perfect in my imagination but now that it's reality, it is far from perfect. In fact, it's way worse than I had could have ever imagined.

Oh boys boys boys, you complicate my world so much. Never thought I would say that -____-"

New Years 2012 Post

2012-01-01T02:17:00.000-08:00

Meh, I don't come here a lot but I feel a lot better when I vent out my feelings here. Well, every new year brings me a new surprise. As for this year, boys and relationships was the so called surprise. I mean, I totally did not see myself getting a boyfriend in the near future but so it happened. I got a boyfriend. Well being single for about 18 years gets you pretty excited for a relationship. Yeah, it is great. And so that was last year's surprise. About 15 minutes into this new year, I've had my surprise already. With being in a relationship comes a set of rules you are expected to know, one of them being that you need to stay committed to the relationship. In short, there is a line between cheating and being committed. There is no fine line that sets one apart from the other but it really depends on the couple in my opinion. So what I'm trying to say is that I feel as if I had crossed the line. What to do about it? Well, I'm going to be truthful and tell exactly what happened. On a side note, I tend to over think things so whether I feel like I did something wrong or not is now highly dependent on my boyfriend. If he is not comfortable with what happened, then I learn from my mistake. If all goes well...well, lucky me! Yeah, I've never thought I would be in such a situation but I'm growing up aren't I. Imagined scenarios are becoming reality.

End of rant.

Mental Unrest

2011-11-26T04:39:00.000-08:00

Lately, there has been this uneasy feeling in the back of my mind. There's this sense of loneliness, a feeling of being unable to feel mentally comfortable anywhere. I have changed too much to feel like I'm still on the same page as my old friends but I have not changed enough to be in complete comfort with my new friends. As for my parents, it has always been difficult to communicate. Everything feels bearable when I don't give it much thought but when that uneasy feeling strikes, it really makes me feel lonely. To be honest, there are only about two or three people right now that I feel comfortable talking with.

2011-09-23T00:46:00.000-07:00

This blog is getting lonely. I doubt that anyone even reads this anymore but I like to blog here just so I can look back at it myself. Whether anyone pays attention to all this stuff or not is beyond my care.

Anyways, just a thought that floated into my mind today. In high school, the thought of someone going out with someone who was 20+ years old seemed like such a big deal since someone that old just seemed THAT MUCH older. Then, it came to my attention that someone who was of that age is not that much older than us. I'm so used to thinking that someone of that age is beyond the reach of teenagers like us. I'm still not very aware of the fact that I have gotten older. That much older. Funny thing that someone like that hit me because I'm in the same situation myself. If I were to tell this situation to someone else, they would probably be a bit overwhelmed by it. But when you really think about it, I'm 18 and someone who is 20 is only two years older than me. Surprise surprise. Oh we're all getting older. The fact of it is just not hitting us yet. Time flies.

First Impressions

2011-08-31T14:14:00.000-07:00

"I guess when you're young first impressions are everything. Sometimes you miss who a person really is."

I don't know if I can call myself young anymore but I suppose my mentality towards certain things qualify, always doubtful and regretful of my actions.

I'm not here to put anything or anyone on blast but it just makes me feel better if I vent this out.

So last night, we unexpectedly met our new room mate who unexpectedly moved in. Because I didn't anticipate anyone moving in until September (according to the move request form) I wasn't too concerned about turning in the move request form. So the new room mate came into the suite thinking that she was supposed to be in the bed I was now occupying but she and the staff were not informed about my move since I unofficially moved there. That resulted in some conflict which included a scolding from the staff and an unhappy new room mate. At first, I was just mad at everything and everyone because the whole situation was blown way out of proportion. Because of this, I had an unpleasant first impression of our new room mate. After I calmed myself down, I came back to my senses and backed out of my anger. Today, as I was returning to the dorm to discuss the meeting situation (We have to go through some meeting/counseling session to settle this since they said so.) I was scared that she would have the same reaction as she did last night. To my surprise, she was calm and she apologized for not being the nicest person last night. I made my apologies and the conflict was resolved. Right then and there, I threw the whole bad impression of her out of the window. First impressions are pretty important to me but when something drastic happens that changes my perspective, I am more than willing to forget the first impression I had and to start brand new.

So glad that this was easily resolved :D

2011-08-09T03:43:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, it's not about analyzing one's words and pondering about its validity and wondering whether they are true or not. Sometimes, you just have to believe. Truly believe because you know it's true, not because you feel that it is true after much thought, but you because you are THAT sure that it is true. Sometimes, trust is all you need. Sometimes, trust is what you should depend on. Sometimes, that trust just solves the problem. Let go and let it all fall together. Sometimes, it's just all that needs to happen. You just have to believe. It feels THAT much better.

"There can be miracles, when you believe."

2011-08-09T02:13:00.000-07:00

As these summer days are coming to a close, the reality of going to college is starting to fill my mind. A few months ago, the thought of college seemed to be exciting. Transitioning into a whole new environment seemed like just the kind of excitement I needed in my life. As the days slowly count down to the first day of school, I start to realize that I am not emotionally ready to move on to college. I realize that this was more than going from middle school to high school. I was about to move away from my parents, away from the city I grew up in, and away from the friends I grew up with. As these thoughts started to fill my mind, I started to get less and less excited for college. Suddenly, I wished that I was back in high school. Now that I'm going to college, I can't be late to class everyday, I can't skip class because I felt like it. It's time to face the fact that I'm getting older and that I have to learn to take care of myself and that I have new responsibilities. Nowadays I feel like I'm trying to get my mind away from these thoughts because I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I won't be able to handle it all. Most of all, I don't think I can handle not being able to see my good friends every now and then. There are some people that I will truly miss A LOT. More than you would think. Friends are very important and I feel like I won't make any better friends than I already have. I don't know why, but I just feel like any new friends I make can't have the same connection because it just can't happen. I don't know why I'm being so pessimistic about it all but I guess I'm just not looking forward to college. I only have 15 days left before I'm off. Scared? Yes.

2011-07-25T22:59:00.000-07:00

Trying is a waste of my efforts.

Trying makes me a loser.

Coincidences make happy endings.

Senselessness is frustrating but it makes the world go round.

I hate what I know.

The worse part about knowing what you shouldn't know is that you can't do anything about it because you don't want to risk anything.

Relieve yourself of the pain but risk it all or withstand the pain and let everyone else be happy.

Leave now and escape this fate or stay forever and face the consequences.

Speak out and make a change, for better or worse, or keep quiet and hope that everything will change for the better.

Listen to know what you know is right or try to figure it out on your own.

INSIDES CRYING SAVE ME NOW. COLD AND LOST IN DESPERATION.

LET IT GO?

Right Back Where We Started.

2011-07-17T03:18:00.000-07:00

After much thought and observation, I think it is safe to conclude that I am once again faced with the problem that has haunted me for the majority of the year. Well, I should have cherished the three month break while I had the chance to. Now it's back to the old ways. Oh so despicable. The only thing that has changed is my mentality towards the whole situation. I used to care so much but it has become so ridiculous that the only feeling I get from it now is apathy. It shouldn't be my concern at all but the only reason it crosses my mind at all is because I am involved. Well one thing that will never change is that I will never cease to agree to it. I repeat NEVER. It has damaged me in several ways and agreeing to it is like agreeing to be thrown into jail for a crime I never committed. I promise to myself that one day I will tell you. As if you shouldn't already know. Oh this is all so unfortunate. It's like falling in a pit, getting back out, and falling in again. I swear, if something should happen where I get hurt again, I will snap, no, that's an understatement. I will blow up like an atomic bomb. Oddly enough, I am interested in seeing this happen. HA HA HA.

2011-06-25T03:22:00.000-07:00

The difference between what you know and what they know, what they feel and what you feel, what you can give and what they expect, what happens and what doesn't, what you expected and what actually happens.

4AM HK TIME.

2011-06-08T13:24:00.000-07:00

I'm not even jet lagged anymore but I still feel more awake in the night time. I'm lovin' the night life here. The mornings and afternoons here are pretty boring. Some stores don't even open until after lunch time. Hm, welcome to Hong Kong.

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Got the intention, lack the ability.

Does intention mean anything without ability? You thought about it but you failed to carry out the task to fulfill your intention. Do you even get credit for just having the thought? You know what to do and how to fix things up but you lack the ability or the guts to fix it. Does that deserve any credit? The intention without the ability seems so useless but then again not receiving credit for at least having the intention seems a bit harsh. Well, that's life isn't it?

One last chance to reverse this curse. You stole my heart but I had it first.

2011-05-21T12:14:00.000-07:00

My favorite lyrics from Reverse This Curse by Escape The Fate.

How can something so seemingly perfect turn into something so bittersweet? I love it, but I hate it. I want to walk away from it, but I can't help but stay. I know it's only killing myself but I'm still going for it. It's like I'm caught by a spell. Maybe it is a curse. Every chance is a last chance to reverse the curse but every time, there is something that holds me back. Some magical charm that creates some illusion to prevent me from reversing the curse.

Yup, stolen heart. And I gotta steal it back. Yay.

Punch A Cement Wall Until Your Knuckles Fall Apart.

2011-05-06T00:23:00.000-07:00

Punching something or someone is a great way to release anger. The physical pain is bearable because it serves its purpose in overcoming emotional pain. Anyhow, I find it quite enjoyable. Not to mention my middle finger knuckle hurts every time I move my middle finger now. Nothing I can punch at home that won't topple over if I overdo it. Boohoo.

2011-05-01T19:48:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've dropped by. Too much has happened lately. I would LOVE to blog about it and what not but my life isn't in this blog and it's the actual moment that counts. I can look back and think what I think but it won't be the same as living it in the moment.

Well, prom was last night and I now regret that I didn't go to the other winterballs/proms. I had an AMAZING time with EVERYONE. I actually danced. A lot. Until I was sweating bullets. Until my feet got numb. And I had an amazing date ;D One of the best nights of my life fasho.

It was good news.

2011-04-20T00:51:00.000-07:00

So I'm starting to doubt what I refer to as my "greater understanding". It's all figments of my imagination. I'm starting to see past it. My vision is getting clearer and my patience is running lower. I do dare say that I might just run away from it all one day. Oh, where's alcohol when you need it?

So confused. Need stress reliever. And if I was a 420 person, you know what I would be doing now. But no, not my type of thing.

2011-04-13T23:36:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to type up a post of events that have occurred but I'm hesitating because I feel like it's not my story to tell. Yes, I am "involved" and all but I really shouldn't be. In a way, it's like watching a drama except I am in it. If this is your typical "happy ending" drama, I would love to be involved but if not, count me out. Like how celebrities are victims of gossip and rumors that damage their reputation, me being involved in this situation throws a good reputation out the door whether or not I had one to begin with. I can almost guarantee that no one knows the true, complete story but it's not anyone else's business anyways. As to how much false gossip and rumor has spread is beyond my knowledge but I am almost definite that there is talk. It is not like some big news but at least some small talk, I suppose. It doesn't matter to me either way. Whether I maintain a good reputation or not is at the bottom of my priorities. As long as I can live with what I am choosing to do, I'm not going to complain. Yes, you can call me stupid for walking myself into trouble but that's the part that everyone else is missing out on. It's one of those things you can't explain in words because you can only experience it. You can hate me all you want, call me stupid all you want, I just hope that my intentions aren't misunderstood. It has all become so ludicrous that I no longer bother finding justice in this mess. On a good day, you can look at it in a laughable manner but in all seriousness, it's just plain pathetic. I am entitled to my own opinion and I am glad I am not the only one with these atrocious thoughts. Maybe we're all just a little insane.

2011-04-11T01:58:00.000-07:00

My intuition says "no" but my heart says "yes".
Hooray for internal conflict.
I'm about go go insane.
At least it keeps my life interesting.
Ended the night on a good note unlike last night.
Goodnight! Yes, it was a good night.

2011-04-10T14:33:00.001-07:00

I am up, then I'm down
From one moment to the next
Breathing in, breathing out
I'm gasping for breath
I am searching far, searching wide
For an answer that is mine

I am empty handed, singing
I'm broken and I'm stranded, crying
I'm not sure how much more I can take
I am sure that I will break
Empty handed

Raining and OK-Empty Handed

2011-04-10T14:30:00.001-07:00

I hope you're happy
I hope you're happy too
I hope you're proud how you would
Grovel in submission
To feed your own ambition
So though I can't imagine how
I hope you're happy
Right now

2011-04-10T00:56:00.000-07:00

Is something supposed to kill you more inside when you see it coming the second time around? I saw it coming the first time and I knew that I couldn't do anything about it. I saw it coming a second time around and I still couldn't do anything about it. It can happen a hundred more times and I most likely still won't be able to do anything about it. What do you do when you face a problem with no solution?

1. Let it knock you over.
2. Fight back.
3. Just run away and don't ever look back.
4. Shove it to the back of your head.

Hm?

Either way, it's going to hurt yourself. Choose your pain.

2011-04-10T00:47:00.001-07:00

If I had a wish right now, I would wish to see how everyone I know would react if I died right now. I want to see if the erasure of my existence would benefit people's lives. I want to know who would actually cry if I was no longer around. I want to know who would rejoice that I am finally gone. I want to know who would actually remember me even twenty years later. I want to know who would actually miss me. I want to know if it would difference whether or not I existed. I want to know if I can become easily replaced by others. It would be interesting to know. Just saying.

2011-04-10T00:38:00.000-07:00

"I hope you're happy
I hope your happy now that your choosing this
I hope it brings you bliss
I really hope you get it
And you don't live to regret it
I hope you're happy in the end
I hope you're happy my friend"
-Defying Gravity-Wicked

I truly hope that your decision changed things for the better. From my point of view, it seems that the situation has improved ever since I have been taken out of the picture. I assume that things are more pleasant that way. I should have never been involved in the first place but my decision to not walk away resulted in the consequence I faced. Everything just seems better that way. I've never cared much for my own feelings anyways. Yes, it punched an empty hole into my heart but it's not that big of a deal. I am confident that things will turn for the better again at some point but I am not so confident that it can consistently remain in my favor. It bothers me that I am able to put up with this. Am I being TOO NICE? I have been told so and sadly I am starting to believe that myself. Perhaps it's not worth it. In time, with an adequate amount of distractions can patch up the empty hole but it can only do so much. You can heal from the pain but the scars will never go away no matter what. They will stay there and serve as a constant reminder of what had happened and the past that could never be changed. It's all good though. Whether it be a good thing or not, I've learned to disregard any painful emotional feeling I have felt. I like to tell myself that it isn't important whether I feel any emotional pain. As long as everyone else around me is happy, I can keep myself happy. If everyone is sad, I better turn those frowns upside down. Smack a smile on my own face and just keep telling myself that everything is alright even though it's not because I am waiting for that one day when everything will actually be alright. I'm only human and I can only distract myself for so long. When the line is crossed, I can't help but just fall into my mental dark, lonely pit. Forget that stuff, I'm supposed to forget about my own feelings. I just hope ~~you're~~ you guys happy now.

2011-04-05T02:12:00.000-07:00

Well there goes my long rant. An apology can make me forgive so easily. It's already hard enough to piss me off. Trying to get me to be happy again? Zero difficulty! I was halfway through ranting in a previous post about this little complication that has occurred but I couldn't get myself to continue it and submit it after you apologized a few times. It just made me go "Aww" *retarded hand wave* I don't blame you for this whole situation but I was pretty pissed off to have to hear those very words I hate so much again. It drove me beyond berserk. I knew deep down inside it wasn't permanent and I will always trust you on that. I could have easily avoided this problem completely but doing so would only be more damaging so we just have to get over all these speed bumps and that day will come when all is well. Aren't we all looking forward to that day? Yes! A good friendship can never be broken. Trust is all you need. Trust is your answer. Yes Yes Yes!

Geez, I think I get over things way too easily. I was just burning with anger 4-5 hours ago. Happy person for the win :D

Lost In Between Different Worlds

2011-03-29T19:36:00.000-07:00

I think I have finally figured out what the majority of my brain space is dedicated to and why I fail to remember anything about school. Let me ask you this. Let's say you were sitting alone, waiting for a ride, and your mind wanders off. What do you think of? Are you more likely think, "sin(A+B) = sin A cos B + cos A sin B"? or more likely to think. "Oh, [insert name here] is such a bitch. [insert name here] said this and did that.." Chances are, correct me if I'm wrong, the majority will think about some person doing something whether it be a positive or negative thought. That there is my answer.

In a similar way, I feel that I spend too much time analyzing people and the status of my friendships. In general, I am far more concerned whether I pissed someone off or not more than if I passed or fail a test. Maybe I am over exaggerating but I'm speaking very generally. One of my biggest fears is leaving bad last impressions on people. The last thing I would need is someone spreading to the whole world that I did something rude even if it was unintentional. Well, I am less concerned as to whether a rumor would be spread but instead I am worried that that person would hate me or somewhere along those lines. It especially bothers me when I antagonize someone in an unintentional, inoffensive manner and he or she takes it seriously. Just saying sorry is not enough for most people nowadays. Over the years, such a simple apology has just become cliché. This is heading in the wrong direction.

Anyways, what I am really trying to get at is I feel like I hang around different groups of friends, people that probably would not get along if I stuffed them all into one room and sometimes it proves to be a problem for myself. In my mind, I need some mental filing cabinet so I remember how to act around each group and each individual. I have come to the realization that some friends have opposing personalities to other friends and sometimes, I forget that and pull off something completely out of line. What I am trying to say is that your friends in some way "expect" you to act a certain way. It is not exactly an expectation but what they perceive as your "normal". You get what I mean? Sometimes, my mental filing cabinet becomes disorganized and I would accidentally say something I would say to one friend but NEVER to another. There have been multiple occasions where such an accident has happened. That's a fail on my part.

As a result of hanging out with friends with opposing personalities, I feel like I am switching gears all the time in order to properly present myself "normally". At times, having such an opportunity seems beneficial and other times, it makes me feel like a wandering nomad. As for today, it was a definite plus. When you hang out with someone you haven't hung out with for a while, it feels great. It helps you realize that you have more than just the same few friends. It's funny how easily it is to forget that. On the other hand, when all your friends seem like they're too busy for you, you feel like you have nowhere to go and you're left all alone. It's an indescribable feeling that you would have to find out for yourself. Well this is just another unsuccessful attempt at attacking this topic.

I'm just saying, I spend TOO MUCH time thinking about this stuff. What can I do? Thinking about it certainly is not the solution. As always, I'll do what the moment calls for and have no expectations of the outcomes because disappointment is one of the worst feelings to feel.

BTW, Happy 18th Birthday Ray!

2011-03-28T23:01:00.000-07:00

There are certain things you can only hide and hold in for so long before they need to become known. There just needs to be a perfect moment. When is the perfect moment? There have been countless opportunities for it to spill but some unknown force holds it back? Why? I suppose it's a lack of confidence and feelings of uncertainty. It's so complicated. What if you wait too long and the chance slips away? The regret will haunt you. That's one of the worst feelings ever.

This needs to be settled one way or another, for better or worse.
ASAP.

2011-03-28T11:42:00.000-07:00

It's strange how when it's night time or dark outside, I tend to get pessimistic about everything and I start to panic and over think situations. This is why I couldn't sleep for about two hours last night which is why I decided to take the day off after randomly getting very sick. After finally falling asleep again, I wake up and I see the sun seeping through my window drapes and I'm all happy and I wake up and I'm feeling all optimistic. It's so strange. When it's rainy or cloudy outside, I tend to be half optimistic and half pessimistic. I feel like the weather controls my mood and emotions. I can imagine if I lived in Alaska or something, I would've committed suicide years ago. Well I'm only saying that because I've heard the suicide rate there is higher due to their mostly sun-less, rainy, snowy, cloudy, weather. So I've heard. I'm not about to do anything crazy so don't panic just because I said that por favor.

2011-03-27T17:33:00.000-07:00

I've always wondered how some individual who used to be perfectly normal can develop a mental condition. What exactly are the causes? I can probably search up some answer somewhere but I rather not. Can repressed thoughts and bottled up feelings cause one to become permanently insane? If that is so, I'd like to see what would become of me 10-20 years from now. They say knowledge is power but if you have knowledge of what you don't want to know can it be damaging to you rather than giving you this so called power?

So right about now, all the seniors pretty much know what colleges we have been accepted to and some of us are definite of where we are going and the others are still making decisions.

Well as of now, I'm still not 100% as to where I am headed. There are TOO MANY aspects to consider. In all honesty, I can care less about whether I go to a UC or a state. Yes, it's a little heartbreaking to know that so many UCs rejected me but it's only four years of schooling. It's not like not attending a UC will ruin my entire life. *KNOCK ON WOOD* Then again, it's not like I was completely rejected by the UC system. In fact, it's I who is going to reject them. I know it contradicts popular thinking to choose a state over a UC but considering my major, I think it be best that I send my ass to San Jose. Generally speaking, I love the state majors of the UC majors. If you're not going to doing math, science, or business, UCs don't have much to offer, in my opinion. A future note for future freshmen college applicants: if the economy sucks and you don't have above a 3.6 and a 1710 SAT score, one AP, some community service and extracurricular activities, you better aim higher if you want to get accepted somewhere other than UC Riverside and Santa Cruz. That's just my personal experience. I'm sure your major would also affect your admission. That's what I got out of my acceptances and rejections.

The biggest factor that is currently affecting my decision on is friends. Friends > education all day every day, any day. One reason I don't want to go Riverside is that I don't know anyone that is heading there and it isn't near anyone I know in general. Santa Cruz on the other hand is considerable distance wise but I honestly don't like how the campus is like a damn forest. This brings me to San Jose State. It's about 1 hour away from San Francisco/Daly City and approximately 2 hours away from Davis which I feel like I'm going to visit a lot just because I know people there. Oh, and it's closer to all the amusement parks and good malls and what not I suppose. So location wise, I like San Jose State. Although I would LOVE UC Davis too :[ Anyways, I'm not to concerned about having to head to SoCal but I guess it's an hour closer if I ever wanted to head down there.

Yes, in this day and age we have something called social networking but that only keeps you connected to a certain extent. So yes, we do have this thing called social networking and texting but let's take right now as an example. Here I am in Daly City and here are my middle school friends in San Francisco. For us to meet up and hang out with each other is absolutely no problem but guess what? It's not so often that we all hang out. It's not even often that we contact each other even when its a click of a few buttons. With that in mind, how much harder would it be if we're hours apart? Maybe I've just had a bad experience and maybe I'm too worried. Well, I rather set low expectations now and have the situation produce a better result than what I am currently anticipating. Anyways, I just hope there will be at least a few good friends that I can keep in good contact with. On the bright side, most of us are still within the state so it's never too far.

I hate sitting and waiting for this to all go down -___-

2011-03-26T00:45:00.000-07:00

If you were dead serious about the things you said, I would give a dead serious definite answer. Because I am convinced that you are joking, I will not give you a proper answer. I would only make a fool out of myself if I gave a serious answer to your joke. Well, I am very interested as to how this is all going to play out. Hmmmmmm.

2011-03-18T22:59:00.000-07:00

I think this is the first time since stupid middle school drama have I truly hated anyone. If this problem remains unsettled...

*RAGE*

I wanted to be nice, I wanted to find a way to make a happy ending, but...

FUCK IT

2011-03-16T22:35:00.000-07:00

It's fine to have something without having the whole damn world knowing but it just fucking sucks to have nothing and having no one know how bad it feels.

Oh hai there, guess who got lucky for once?

2011-03-10T00:36:00.000-08:00

ME! LOL.

Guess what I picked up?

If I said, I would probably literally get murdered.

It's bad enough what I've already done.

Let's keep it at that.

Herra "shellfish" more?!

2011-03-05T17:51:00.000-08:00

"Love you like a brother, treat you like a friend, respect you like a lover."

2011-03-05T01:18:00.000-08:00

One of the longest weeks ever.

Mentally, physically, and emotionally. It was pretty darn tiring readjusting to my school sleeping schedule. Still had the bad habit of sleeping at the late hours and on top of that, major procrastination. Senioritis in full effect. The majority of the week was physical and mental fatigue and exhaustion with the emotional exhaustion hitting right about now. When I'm at home, in my private life, I am prone to breaking down very easily. For various reasons. My parents usually trigger it and it results in me thinking of other things to be sad about and I just let go and let those tears flow. I guess it's a bit relieving sometimes. Sometimes, I swear I can cry a river. I guess I do bottle up a lot inside. Or maybe I just get sensitive. I actually had another break down earlier this week due to extreme frustration and dislike of school. I really cried myself to sleep. Woke up feeling just as bad. I eventually got over it though. Lately, I just haven't been getting a good feeling about the school environment. Just some negative vibes. Those unexplainable feelings. I also tend to feel a bit disoriented when my week does not follow the status quo. My week was pretty off from how it usually plays out so I guess that threw me off a bit mentally and emotionally. Overall just a very long, exhausting week.

Side note.
I've never had to go through such explanations and arguments about a friendship. People are just not understanding the picture. Okay I'm not some lunatic and I understand the circumstances and whatever about the friendship. Neither do I have some ulterior motive with what all you are thinking. Just NO okay guys? Just friends. You guys can think what you want, say what you want, and warn me all you want, but I'm sticking with what I know is true. In fact, I'd stay very true to this friendship no matter what you guys have to say. I've done as much explanation as I could possibly give and if you can't understand that then I'm sorry because there is nothing I can do about that. You can go on with your misconceptions, rumors, gossip, and bullshit but what's true is true and it will stand true even if you choose not to believe it. I am very sick and tired of people asking and demanding explanations. It's like telling the truth and no one believing you. Just damn frustrating.

My opinion: Life is a hell hole.

2011-03-02T00:19:00.000-08:00

Life wasn't meant to be a breeze or a walk in the park. It was made to be difficult and full of troubles and challenges. We are all suffering in life and in some way or another. We are all dying inside.

Sadness is the default setting. Happiness is our distraction from the default setting. We all have our own ways to distract ourselves from sadness whether it be friends, family, TV, computer, music, art, etc. We use these things to break ourselves away from reality into some happy dream land. Religon keeps us going in that we believe we will be in a better place when our life ends. We need distractions. Boredom leads to sadness and depression. Try locking yourself in your room for an entire day and tell me how you feel afterwards. Some of us do a great job in disrupting the default setting while the less capable are suffering.

Lately, it seems like there aren't enough distractions going around to feed everyone's sadness.

I get frustrated fairly easily these days.

2011-03-01T00:38:00.000-08:00

You don't even know. Well, as nice and friendly as I APPEAR to all of you, I actually get annoyed and frustrated very easily. I just choose not to show it. I know how stupid or cliché this can sound but you know I really don't give a fuck.

I don't know if this is some PMS shit or what but I've had it with EVERYTHING and EVERYONE right now. There are so many things that I'm so fed up with I can't even begin to name them. You can only hide your anger and frustration for so long and it seems like my tank is filled.

Right now, I just want to tell everyone to get the fuck away and shut the fuck up and whatever. I can really care less right now. I'm tired of having to care.

It's only the first day back at school and I already want to shoot myself and get the hell out. I swear there's just something about the environment that I can't stand. I sure had a wonderful time during break and now it's back to hell.

I've had it with the homework, I've had it with some teachers, and I've had it with some people.

There are some things that really don't deserve to exist. POINTLESS. WASTE OF TIME. WASTE OF SPACE.

There's just too much anger in my system right for me to think straight and type up this post without offending eveything and everyone.

I would but..no

I'm pretty tired of seeing myself holding back and being nice. Some people and some things really don't deserve any respect.

GO DIE.

Yeah, I'm pretty upset with myself at the moment too. Too many things to be upset and frustrated over I can't even pick. To make things easy, just hate everything right now. I hate you, you, and you. I hate this, this and that. There we go. Simple and clean.

Well, this is obviously not going anywhere so I'm going to crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep because that is so damn relieving you won't even know till you try.

~~Good~~night.

NO GOOD.

2011-02-28T01:03:00.001-08:00

Why is it so hard to believe without seeing what you are imagining? I guess I just have a lack of faith. When the evidence is right before my eyes, I have no problem in believing. When the evidence is taken away, I start to form doubts once again. The uncertainties sink in and I force myself into creating more doubts and picturing worse case scenarios that strengthen my doubts. To top it off, I remind myself of bad memories which further forces me to lose faith. It's usually times like this when I'm alone and it's all quiet in the house and I'm lying in bed trying to sleep do such thoughts infiltrate my mind. I guess this is the reason I have all these pessimistic dreams. The recurring theme of my dreams for the past few nights is losing friends/pissing people off/everyone hates me/no one wants to be my friend or talk to me and things along those lines. I would be beyond sad if these things came true. It happens when you're alone and you think that you have no friends. It sucks that I usually dream of the last things I did or thought about for the day. I wonder what tonight will have in store for me.

2011-02-26T01:23:00.000-08:00

Question: Would you rather do something to prove someone wrong and get the situation over with or would you rather do what is right/ what you really want to do/ etc. and just let that someone go, "Haha, told you so." ?

Those "yes or no" questions are such simple questions yet they prove to cause much controversy between different parties and even within an individual's mind. Come to think of it, these questions aren't so simple at all. The thing is, there are only two options leaving no room for doubts and uncertainties. Choosing one is opposing the other. We have trouble choosing one side because we are afraid that we will change are minds and not stick to our choice. The changing of sides shows indecisiveness and uncertainty, qualities that are not very favored. So, what do you do when you are put right on the spot with such a question?

A few things can happen. One, you can play the "I don't know" card. Two, you know what you want and you pick. Three, you don't know what you want but you force an answer that may or may not be true. And you know, whatever else you can think of.

Side topic. People will misunderstand, people will gossip, and people will judge. You can choose to let such things bother you or you can ignore it and stick to reality. If you let it bother you, you're going to waste a hell lot of time thinking about it and feeling embarrassed and depressed or whatever. On the other hand, if you choose to ignore it, that bullshit will fly by you like nothing. It is not important what others think of you (to a certain extent that is) but what you think of yourself. You don't need people telling you to use makeup or to lose weight. If you are comfortable with yourself the way you are, that is enough. Different people have different preferences so follow your own. If worst comes to worst, you can suffer identity crisis.

In conclusion, if someone was to come up to you and asked for your honest opinion on a certain aspect of your life, how would you answer? If this question was regarding something you are uncertain of or something you rather not talk about, what would you say? What if you gave them a false answer without even knowing? What if you realize that what you just responded with was a lie? What if you wish that you could change your answer? What if you gave a false answer because you were afraid of the consequences of the truth? What if you gave a false answer because you were afraid of what others would think of you? You are creating these questions in your head because a part of you want to respond with the truth but the other part of you is afraid of your image that you just want to go with the flow even if it means telling a lie.

Sometimes, you just end up believing the lie yourself. Sometimes, it just feels better off going with the lie. At this point, I'm just completely uncertain. I rather not think about it. Strangely, I find myself quite content with following this "lie". Maybe it isn't a lie after all. At first, I told myself that this was indeed a lie and that I was just lying to the whole world. When I stop to clearly think about it, it all seemed a bit strange and absurd and that pushed me to believe this "lie". I found myself strangely relieved to place myself on one side of this "yes or no" scale. Well, only time can tell what's going to happen next. Until then, I'll be sitting, waiting, wishing. (Sitting, Waiting, Wishing-Jack Johnson)

This is the doubt and uncertainty as a result of this simple "yes or no" question. Did I lie? Hm, I don't know. If I did, it was completely unintentional.

These two problems have basically been the story of my life for the past 4 or 5 months or so. Dilemmas dilemmas...

2011-02-20T01:44:00.000-08:00

WOW,hella played. I wonder if some people know what they are doing or if they are just THAT heartless or stupid. Anyways, I'm not going to make a big deal about it but it disgusts me the way how some people are. Makes me wish I would stand up against them but too bad the nice side of me takes over and I just let things be.

*sighhhh*

Haters can go die.

2011-02-18T00:24:00.000-08:00

That's right. You shouldn't care about what people think or say about you. To a certain extent that is. You know what I mean. On the other hand, if people are just being judgmental and trying to start gossip and rumors and what not, you should just ignore them. The most important thing is that you yourself knows what you are doing. If you feel that this is what you should be doing, go for it. Even if it may not be right, if you firmly believe that it is right, just go with it. Don't let others tell you what's right and what's wrong and how you should act. They're taking away of what's making you you and destroying the uniqueness of each individual. If everyone followed one trend, this would be a boring world. The most important thing is that you NEVER lose what makes you uniquely you. Other people don't know what's best for you so just don't listen to them. They can go die for all I care.

Note: I do not take this subject lightly although this post was poorly worded.

I think I've found the source..

2011-02-10T22:04:00.000-08:00

Of my frustration.

I had the general idea of the source but I could not understand why it pissed me off so much. I just had a "light bulb" moment and I think I've found a more specific reason. It sounds pretty reasonable to me.

Let's put it this way. Don't you hate being restricted for the most absurd reasons? Well, that's basically the situation here. I'm being restricted when it doesn't have to be that way. This whole situation can work out completely fine but some people just like things their way and in this case, I guess I don't have much of a say. I know for a fact that it can work out fair and square because it happens everywhere else but there.

I'm totally up for most things so if you want to make a change any time soon that would be greatly appreciated.

Please & thank you.

Make them bad days go good.

2011-02-10T01:39:00.000-08:00

It seems that everything happens in the night time. No, not that nasty shit that you're probably thinking of but that's when I start to ponder, reminisce, feel sad, feel happy, or what not. I think it's easier during the night when there are less and less distractions.

So many things really aren't as they seem. Something you thought that would mean nothing to you can actually become one of the most important things in your life. Some people you thought you knew could be completely different from the way you perceive.

Some things are right in front of your face but you hesitate to work with it because it's a little different from what you're used to. Well, who knows? Maybe that thing could end up being something you will like.

Side note:

It makes me go "d'awwwww" when people tell me that they enjoy my company and that they feel that they can tell me things and that they can trust me with it. It makes me want to major in psychology or something of that sort. I like listening to people's problems and attempting to help them solve them or deal with them.

Well this was a very poorly worded blog but it's fucking 1:38AM and I'm tired.

I guess this day didn't turn out THAT bad after all.

Gotta love those friends who make your day =)

Think about it...and reflect!

2011-02-09T00:01:00.000-08:00

I feel that happiness would not exist if we stopped and thought about every single thing. When I'm not thinking too much about what is going on, I feel pretty happy. When I sit down and actually think about every single thing, I always find something wrong. I think that it is true that our minds are prone to pessimistic thoughts. So it seems to be to me. When you do something without thinking, it seems so easy and effortless. When you think before you act, you weigh the pros and cons and that's where the unhappiness finds its way in. The pros are drowned out by the cons and unhappiness dominates. Reflecting...it can help you realize how stupid something really was. Right? So, should we all just act without thinking and achieve happiness or should we think before we act and risk being unhappy?

Hmm.

Is this even true?

Blowing off some steam.

2011-02-06T10:52:00.000-08:00

It's a nice day outside and I'm in a pretty bad mood. Just the complete opposite of what I need. And this was how it all started...

So I guess my mom was already a little upset with me since I was taking to long to get ready. I know it's bad that this happens every Sunday but I just really can't get myself to wake up for something I don't want to wake up for. First off, I have to wake up around 7:30-8:30am just because my parents have choir practice. I go there early with them and I just sit there for an hour and a half or so and just do homework or something. Second of all, I'm just losing motivation to go to church which would be my fault. So that's the typical situation every Sunday morning.

Today, to top things off, I was backing out our garage, which is more narrow than most garages, and I skinned the side of the door. Okay, that was a fail on my part. I know it was my fault and I accept that. I just can't seem to show it because there are other factors affecting my emotions as my mom is blabbering away.

This next part may make me sound, stubborn, like a bitch, and what not but this is what I think and that's that.

You know how some things just piss you off so much you just feel like you want to break something or cause some type of destruction? Well, that's how I feel 90% of the time when I talk to my mom and 99.9% of the time when she's making a million and one comments while I'm driving. I tell her to just calm down a little and trust that I can handle it and she tells me she trusts me but her one comment per minute begs to differ. This has been going on since I first got my permit. Okay, I understand why you would lack trust when I'm still on my permit but I have my LICENSE now. I think you can give me a little more credit?

Anyways, so after I drove the side of the car into the garage entrance, my mom just freaks out and blabbers away. Getting increasingly annoyed, I had to say something back. It's been less than an hour since it happened I'm starting to forget already. I just remember telling her that her head was in the way so I didn't see it coming since her head was in the way (which actually does happen but it didn't really happen in this case) and she gets pissed off that I sounded like I couldn't accept the fact that it was my fault. The thing is, I totally accept that it was my fault but the way she talks just makes me so goddamn frustrated I just did what I did. I mean, she tells me how I should back out of the garage EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN TIME I back out. Not to mention going in too. Can you blame me for getting annoyed? I can only suppress my emotions so far and what she does just exceeds my limits.

And so, I crashed and I readjusted the car and backed out and all the while, my mom is still ranting on and on about how I should drive and how I'm being stubborn for not admitting my mistake. So I successfully back out and we just kept arguing to the point that I just stopped and put the car in park. Initially, I did that because I didn't want her to get anywhere since I was in control of the car. Then I thought, that it was perhaps a good thing since it would only lead to a potential accident if I kept driving under those conditions. Well, that just totally set my mom off and she told me to get out the car. I was about to say that I didn't want us to go since we were so heated and caught up in the argument but before I even got to start, she cut me off and just told me to get out. For the sake of our lives, I just told her I was going to go back in the house since it was probably only going to be all bad if I stayed in the car. She was still yelling at me from the car while I was walking away as calmly as possible and I just said "FUCK YOU", loud enough only that I heard.

So here I am back at home.

These situations with my parents always get me wondering. Was I wrong or was I right in acting the way I did? These arguments seem to happen more and more often these days and I'm guessing that we're all just getting fed up with this bullshit after 17 years. I guess it's time I get out and go off to college so that can be happier without me and I can be happier alone. I know they do what they do because they care but there is such a thing as caring too much. Parents who restrict their child to the point that they cannot even think for themselves is more damaging than beneficial. In reality, I crashed because I decided to ignore my mom's comments about being too close to the sides. Being fed up with her comments, I just kept going. This is where I get stumped. Should my parents be a little less tense and trust that I can do it on my own or should I have to learn deal with the redundancy of their comments? Or do we all have to take a deep breath?

Sometimes I feel that I lack self esteem because of the way my parents have treated me. Over the past 17 years, I can only remember being in the wrong and rarely ever being right. I guess it adds to the fact as to why I get so pissed off when they tell me I'm wrong. I'm fed up with always being the wrong and I can't admit it to their faces because I'm sick of it. Sometimes, I know I'm right but they still find some absurd reason to make me feel like I did something wrong. For example, I'm running late every morning for school. Some days, I'm late because I can't manage my time. Other days, I'm early and I'm sitting there for about 10-15 minutes waiting for my dad. So I know that some days it's my fault that I'm late but I have been late because my dad took too long. I tell him that and he just diverges the topic to some other things that I do wrong and I'm like "So what does this have to do with what we were talking about?" It happens sometimes with my mom too. Sometimes I just blow up and say, "Ok, whatever I'm wrong all the time anyways." and then they get pissed off at me for saying that.

I always feel that my parents are different from other parents in that they're more stingy and more worried about making sure that they're right and that their actions are justified in some way. It's like they want to make sure that they haven't been wrong and they're trying so hard they're losing sight of how it's affecting me. It's not like I can accept being wrong all the time. It's not like I'm trying to put them in the wrong. I don't even know anymore. Tell me guys, what should I do? I'm too fed up that my thoughts and actions are too biased to be correct especially when I'm caught up in the moment.

It's a bit sad that I'm so used to these things happening I've become pretty numb to it. It's like, "Okay, another argument. So what? Happens all the time."

Right now, I think I'm about to make a bad decision but I'm not in the mood to care. Chances, are it's only going to worsen the current situation but I can really care less right now. Going to head out to the movies and I'm not going to even tell them. If they call, I'll think about answering. We'll see how I feel a few hours from now.

Linkin Park-Numb. Sums up how I feel right now.

On the brighter side of things, I got a shitload of leftover pizza and Arizona :D

2011-02-04T01:14:00.000-08:00

There are people who...

I can never stay mad at for too long
I can't stand
I just want to get the hell away and stay away
I enjoy being with but he/she starts to get annoying
I don't even know but I have a bad impression of them already
I dislike just because their actions disgust me
I dislike because I get negative vibes from them
I just don't understand at all
I know I can intimidate
I am intimidated by
I am friends with but not close friends
I am friends with but we are on and off

There are very few people who...

I can tell the whole truth to
I can confide in
I am willing to hang out with almost all the time
Can make my day memorable
I will do stupid things with
Have made me very happy

There is no one who...

Can be perfect

I believe certain persons have come close but no one has reached that point. I believe that no one is capable of being that perfect. But it's okay because perfection is not what I'm searching for. I admire the efforts. I've come to many realizations lately and here's one of them. Some people are really just not good friends and that's that. You can't force yourself to like them if they really suck. If you don't feel comfortable with them, then that's that. There is no rule that states that you must get along with everyone you meet. In some way I used to believe that. I felt obliged to be nice to people because it felt like the right thing to do. I learned that being nice should not feel like an obligation but instead it should come from the goodness of your heart. If you don't want to, then don't. Sounds cruel but why do what you don't want to do? With this, I feel like I've come to become annoyed at a lot more people. Then again, I've found real friends.

Best friends...hate that term

One of my best friends...now that sounds better

2011-02-01T23:44:00.000-08:00

Am I anticipating too much? Do I worry too much? I just want to be happy. I just want to know I'm not doing anything wrong. I keep telling myself that everything is and will be alright but I can't keep lying to myself. There has to be something wrong here because it sure as hell does not feel right.

It's about time I admit the fact to myself but I just don't want to believe that it's true because it's just...wrong

And all was well.

2011-01-31T00:09:00.000-08:00

Nothing like some new found reassurance. Time was on my side today and it seems that the time has come for it to all fall together into their rightful places. Great to know that I can "come out of secrecy now." I feel so at peace for once and it feels so relaxing. Not to mention, I have a salonpas stuck on my sore right ass.

Goodnight.

A really good night.

You've Got A Friend In Me

2011-01-27T23:15:00.000-08:00

This song is so beautiful.

Facts of the day.

-It really means a whole lot to me when someone tells me that I'm a good friend. It would definitely made my day. Friendship seemed like such a simple matter when I was a little kid. Remember in kindergarten when you would go up to the other little kids and say, "Would you be my friend?" It seemed so easy to get along with everyone else when we knew nothing else but to run around carefree with no worries. Now, all you seem to get is rumors, gossip, backstabbing, and all that other depressing shit. What happened? Why do friends drift away? What happened to keeping in touch? I guess it's just life. It's bad enough that it's happening but what's worse is that a lot of us are doing NOTHING about it. I'd be a liar if I said that I tried my best not to drift away.

-Never ever ever ever walk away.

-It is not pity but a true act of kindness.

-If I did not have certain limitations, I certainly will do more.

-People will talk, people will gossip, people will wonder, people will misunderstand but fuck them because they don't know the truth.

-I'm constantly worried about my incompetency as a friend. Consider it like a fear like one is afraid of spiders. Or maybe I'm just fucking paranoid. I care too much? Yeah, ok.

2011-01-27T01:38:00.000-08:00

-I don't enjoy Foods class anymore. I don't hate it, it's just not enjoyable anymore.
-I'm sick.
-I'm kind of hoping that I would wake up tomorrow morning too sick to go to school.

Note to self: Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself. Be myself.

2011-01-16T01:03:00.000-08:00

No expectations, no effort --> no disappointment

For the most part.

2011-01-13T00:06:00.000-08:00

FOREVER FAILURE IN FINDING THAT HAPPINESS.

DESTROYER.

2011-01-12T01:07:00.000-08:00

Once mentioned, never forgotten.
Not a joke, but a painful stab to the heart.
The cost of my happiness...

A withered past and a blurry future.

2011-01-10T23:19:00.000-08:00

That happened to be the first lines of some song I was just listening to.

I found it pretty fitting to what I'm about to say. Everything these days seem a bit blurry to me. So many questions left unanswered and so many situations filled with uncertainty.

There has been one situation in particular that has bothered me the most. It seems to be a recurring problem and I'm used to it by now. I would relate this situation to a puzzle. Imagine if you had some puzzle, two pieces in this case, A and B. Everything works out well and they connect. We are then introduced to a third piece called C. In every combination possible, only two pieces can successfully connect but the addition of a third piece never works out. Each time two pieces successfully connect, the third piece is left out on the side. It seems that a third piece should have never been introduced to the puzzle. The situation becomes complicated and the pieces are being jumbled around to find the a connection between the three pieces. Despite numerous attempts, an answer cannot be found. The puzzle soon seems impossible to be solved, like it was never meant to be solved, like the answer is nonexistent. On the bright side, at least two pieces connect. Perhaps, that's as far as it will ever get. After all, there is no rule that states that every thing and must fit in with another. Some things just don't work out and it's a fact. Although that may be so, never give up that little bit of hope that there might be some miracle that would solve that problem in a way you never imagined.

That just sounded a lot like "The Human Centipede". "YOU ARE THE MIDDLE PIECE!"

2011-01-05T00:14:00.000-08:00

I can hear my inner insanity speaking to me.

Pet Peeve

2011-01-02T22:58:00.000-08:00

The holiday season is just about over but it's never too late to mention this.

I absolutely hate it when people expect or demand a present. A present is not something one is obliged to give but rather something given out of the kindness of one's heart. It is rude for one to expect a gift in return when he or she gives one out to a certain someone. Nowadays, it just seems like many people give out gifts because they were asked to and not because they want to. People need to shut the fuck up about getting even with presents. A gift is called a gift for a reason and some people just can't understand.

Happy New Years!

2011-01-01T23:57:00.000-08:00

And there goes another year.

Honestly, I guess 2010 wasn't the best but it wasn't all bad either. There were definitely a lot of unexpected changes, some good and some bad. The biggest change was the fact that I'm finally more involved with school friends and school related activities rather than outside friends. In a way, it's great but then again it just means I'm becoming more and more disconnected from my other friends. It really only seems natural though. I think I've said this recently in some previous post but it's just something I keep thinking about.

The past two days alone prove such changes. Every New Years Eve in the past, I've celebrated with the usual gang from middle school and it was supposed to be the same deal this year but plans changed and I ended up spending the night at a friend's house from school. Oh well. It's not that I don't care but it just doesn't seem like that big of a deal. It's not like I've completely forgotten my old friends.

Getting sleepy here and losing my concentration x___x

*Side note
So today I went over to my cousin's house and we're pretty tight since he's pretty much the only cousin I have around here. We were pigging out on this cake in the kitchen and we just started joking around and it turned into nonstop laughter just like the old days. Back when we were little kids, we'd hang out almost every weekend and we'd always end up breaking out in nonstop laughter at the dinner table. Some things just never change. Ha.

Goodnight.

Song of the moment.

2010-12-29T23:21:00.000-08:00

Never thought this song would apply to something I would encounter.

Well, since I happened to drop by might as well say something.

2010-12-29T00:02:00.000-08:00

Winter break has been very eventful. I've been going out almost everyday, I've been catching up with old friends, and I've been spending time with people I normally don't even talk to.

That's great and all but sometimes it seems like a negative thing. Sometimes, I feel like I know a lot of people and I hang around many different people but I spend so much time trying to catch up with everyone that I don't get enough time to spend with each person that I can actually get to know him or her. It's like the quality over quantity idea. It's not about how many friends I have but how strong each friendship is. You can have a million friends and not even remember the names of each individual or you can have ten friends and know their names, personalities, and what not. That would mean so much more. You know what I mean?

In middle school, it seemed like the friends I've made would be my friends forever. Not just friends who checked in with each once every few months but friends who actually kept in touch. Well, we haven't lost touch but we aren't very far from it. With college along the way, I have no idea where it's all headed. We used to have "traditions" we followed every year but this year they all just stopped. We're all busy hanging out with new friends and it's all our faults that we don't make much time for each other. Strangely, it just feels so natural.

High school isn't all that different. I ended up meeting many people despite a slow start but it just seems hard to find a close friend. I mean I hang out with certain people very often but it's just something to do. Well, I'm not saying that there aren't people whom I consider as close friends but they're just hard to find.

I just feel really disconnected in a way a lot of times. Well, I guess I have no one to blame but myself.

Tell me why every time I feel like blogging, it comes out as something negative?

Migrated.

2010-11-18T22:56:00.000-08:00

Found another place to vent and chances are, you aren't going to find it.

2010-11-10T23:21:00.001-08:00

And that's how it's supposed to happen. It starts of well, continues well, hits the climax, and starts to fall. It's like that every time and it was foolish of me to think that this time around would be any different. I had a lot of hope despite the obstacles. I don't understand why I put myself through this despite knowing the disappointment I will face in the end. I guess it's things like these that keep my life moving. Well, in a way, it's not a total disappointment. It shouldn't have been the thing I was looking for in the first place knowing the conditions. I was basically setting myself up for disappointment but I had to do it anyways. As I said, it definitely was more success than failure. I think about all the benefits of it and they definitely were worth the disappointment. This time was completely different in a special unique way and I would not change the way it occurred even if the outcome wasn't completely in my favor. Who said it was over anyways? And even if it never turns out right, I like it just the way it is.

2010-11-06T02:41:00.000-07:00

Flawless timing. is.
Too good to be true.

Questions To Consider.

2010-11-05T23:40:00.000-07:00

Are you...?
Why do you still...?
You're doing this because...?
And what am I supposed to do...?
What the fuck?!

2010-11-03T11:12:00.001-07:00

Beautiful- Eminem

2010-10-30T11:24:00.000-07:00

Heard this song enough times to start liking it. Goodass lyrics.

FUCK THAT SHIT GET OUTTA YOUR MIND.

2010-10-28T21:44:00.000-07:00

Fuck being scared and unsure. Get that shit outta your mind. It sucks wanting to change something for the better but being unable to do so for the stupidest reason, because you're scared. Nothing worse to me than being unable to get over yourself. Really, what the fuck makes it so hard? Well you tell me because I sure as hell don't know.

Just when I thought I had it all together and when I thought I could handle it all, I get knocked back down. You can never know how to handle it all. Thinking that you know is just the beginning of a new level of even more difficulties. It's pretty intimidating at first but it's only going to make you better.

There's nothing like having a serious conversation. Whether it was awkward or not during the actual conversation, you'll come out of it with a new lesson learned. At least I find that to be true most of the time.

This is a bit private but I think it's something I can bottle up forever. It's not even that private anyways.

Hell yeah it makes you mothafckin proud when someone tells that they had a good first impression of you even before they knew you. Being told that you could be different (in a good way) from anyone else makes you feel so damn proud. That's if you're not told afterward that you didn't live up to that expectation. Yes, it's disappointing news but that doesn't mean you still can't strive reach it. Now that I know, I would like to make it a goal. It's beneficial in more ways than just that situation alone so why not?

Well I broke out of my super super super super social awkward shell and I've got another layer to go. Next on the list is to learn to be confident in myself, to not be afraid to try and make mistakes, and anything else along those lines. I can't seem to phrase exactly what I want but I know what I want to do and that's that.

*edit

I swear this is not really what I intended to say but what I think and what I say usually doesn't match x__x I mean what I say but it wasn't the point I was trying to get at -___-

2010-10-27T21:52:00.000-07:00

Feeling hella lost and out of it.

Feel the need for some alcohol. I just need to get things off my mind. Even if it's just temporary.

2010-10-22T23:48:00.001-07:00

And maybe learning from experiencing is not the best solution in this situation.
And maybe I should take the warning more seriously.

what do YOU think?

2010-10-19T22:31:00.000-07:00

Today was another lesson learning day for me. It was a good day in that I learned something new and that I feel like I just had burden lifted off my shoulders. I started out pretty depressed about some issues but I'm glad to have it somewhat cleared up.

I really hate the fact that I lack the ability to say "no" too many things. I can easily refuse to do something that is extremely out of line but when it comes to the simple things like, "Oh, do you want to hang out today?" I have a big problem. I want to say "yes" to everyone asks but I don't have time to attend to everyone. Well, at least not immediately, which is what the situation usually calls for. I want to hangout with everyone but there's only one of me and so many friends. I feel like I don't have enough time to spend quality time with everyone that I want to and I feel that takes away from the friendship. I guess I just have to learn how to manage my time better and learn to just say "no" to some people. It's a learning experience in progress and I definitely have a long way to go. This is not the first time this issue has come up and I'm glad that it is constantly reappearing. I need it.

Another thing I learned about myself today was that I hold a lot in and keep a lot to myself. I am afraid to let go and just drop some of the load off my back and let someone else help me carry it. I figured that is why I've been feeling so sleep deprived lately. I felt oddly more awake after I let loose a little bit today. I tend to not discuss a problem or my feelings because I'm not sure who I can trust. I learned that there are people I could trust but I should still be cautious. I'm just afraid that some of the stuff I say would leak and spread and cause chaos and drama. That is the main reason why I try not to say too much about others even if I feel annoyed by them or something like that. I just need to stop worrying about certain things that seriously don't matter. It would definitely save me a lot of energy. Another lesson in progress.

When you first meet someone, you get a first impression of them. As you get to know them better, you learn more and more things about the person until you have this set picture of what you think they are. Truth is, you will never learn the full image of a person. Neither will the person learn everything about himself/herself. People change and act differently depending on different situations so you cannot base your image of a person solely on one fact or situation. People naturally act upon impulses at times and may not always act accordingly to as they normally would do. Therefore, we cannot assume that a person is a certain way based on just what you see and know of them. In the same way, we cannot say we know someone based on rumors and things you hear about them. I don't know where I'm trying to go with this but I just want to say that we should try our absolute best not to hate anyone or something along those lines. It's just not worth it. We're all imperfect and there's just so much more to each and every one of us than our flaws so let's love one another! Yeahh!

Click to read.

2010-10-13T00:20:00.000-07:00

Extremely long rant.

SENIOR YEAR

2010-10-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

I now believe everyone who has told me that I would drift away from my middle school friends. I doubted it during freshmen and sophomore year but I believe them now. It really isn't that hard to call up each other and what not but I guess it is. We're so caught up in our new friends that we just don't do much about it. It's not really a bad thing though I guess. I'm not saying that this is entirely true but it seems to be to me. People change and it's not always going to be in the direction you're comfortable with. Well, that's life. It feels like there's some invisible barrier we can't get through. Something like meeting stranger. It's not like we don't hang out anymore but there's an obvious decline in the number of times we even see/talk to each other. Well, yeah. No offense to you guys though. I know I don't make an effort to hang out either so it's all our faults yaknow?

300th post by the way haha.

2010-10-05T23:15:00.000-07:00

Unhappy beginnings can have happy endings.

Too bad it seems that those unhappy beginnings last that much longer than those happy endings. With the short, happy endings comes another long unhappy beginning.

This post was originally intended to be optimistic but as I said, happiness doesn't seem to last so here I am again drowning in unhappiness.

AJ Rafael - Midknight

2010-10-03T18:41:00.000-07:00

There's this place, it's called home
But for me I don't know where to go
I don't know what I'm supposed to be
Or who I am
I feel so damn lost in the cold

There's this thing called the heart
Well mine's beats in the rhythm of the dark
I can't find what my purpose is
Or who I am
I feel so damn lost in this world

Saving the world's not enough
Maybe if I knew a little more about love
Then I would finally find who I am
And then you'll agree
There's more to me than what you see

Suddenly, you save me, yea...

-This song gets to me every time it happens to play. There have been so many times I felt like I wasn't at home even though I was physically there. Most of the time, I feel so lost in this big world. My actions are driven by impulses and I lack a purpose. I always ask myself, "What the hell am I doing?" What am I doing? I DON'T KNOW. I really don't. It's not that I don't want to answer or that I'm afraid to answer or any of that. I REALLY DON'T KNOW. It drives me absolutely crazy sometimes when people can't take that as the answer. What about being unsure is so unacceptable? The fact that college applications are in process doesn't really help. It's a big challenge to pick a major for a purposeless, indecisive person like me. I mean I have some options but I'm doubting that I can stay with it. I have been inconsistent and uncommitted in most things I try to start so I'm afraid that I would want to switch majors therefore wasting time. I can't seem to find comfort in one thing without it going away. Well, I guess you can say that photography has stuck to me the majority of my life. That may be so but here's when another factor comes in, confidence. I'm not going to lie, I know I lack confidence in myself. I just don't trust my abilities. I just don't. There's no explanation to that. It may be true that there's more to life than just school, work, and all those things society forces you to go through but it's pretty much inevitable that we're going to have to do those things anyways. You can be the nicest, most friendliest person in the world but how the hell is that supposed to get you into college? It seems harsh but so many people in the world just don't give a fuck and that's just sad. It's sad but you're going to have to deal with it unless you have that much confidence that you can change it all. There's more to people than just book smarts, grades, work, and all that crap. We need people for who they really are because we need friends. It's a great relief to have someone to lean on when your world comes crashing down. I think that it's just so much more important than all that other shit. I always imagine how this world could be a happier place. Too bad we can't count on it happening. That may be so but when that one person becomes your world, you'll be happy enough. Or even just a friend. (I'm not implying anything so don't go crazy thinking about this and that)

2010-10-03T00:53:00.000-07:00

The cure to my problems :]
Makes me smile everytime.

2010-09-29T00:01:00.000-07:00

Lately, I seem to be hearing a lot of "Oh, I don't really like blahblahblah." or "Oh you should be careful of blahblahblah." when I mention someone. I mean I respect that you might not like that person but I just hate having to hear it just because. It's just one of those things that bother me for some reason. Maybe it's true that I should be careful with someone but I think it's a bit unfair that I hear shit about that person before I really even know him/her. And it's not all the great hearing it even if I know the person well. You could've had a bad experience with that person but it could be different for me. I'm just saying because it is a possibility. I'm not trying to go against what you're trying to tell me but sometimes I rather not have the warning but thanks anyways?

Some emo rant I typed in my ipod a few days ago.

2010-09-27T22:25:00.000-07:00

A bigger mind fuck than Inception.

There is nothing more unbearable to me than getting yelled at or lectured by my parents. It's not so much that I can't accept my mistake but it's more like I don't quite understand the problem and I can't handle the pressure imposed. Something about it fucks me over and I try to hold back the emotions but at some point I fall apart. I fall into this emotional state I like to call mind fucked and I literally go crazy. I have a million emotions flowing through me - anger, hate, guilt, confusion, doubt, regret, death, loneliness, depression, you get the point. In my mind, I would tell myself one thing then contradict it the next second. I burst into violent tears and I'm either walking mindlessly, stomping and kicking angrily, hitting something, hitting myself, or all of it at once. When I said that I go crazy, I meant it. I would usually spend about 15-20 mins breaking down and crying my emotions out and then I fall into this emotionless zombie state. This usually is noted by me sitting and spacing out for long periods of time. It is also identified by quietness and lack of reaction and response. In many cases, like now, I would vent on this blog. Anyways, there's just something about this whole situation that I can't seem to handle without breakibg down. It's been goig on since the day I was born and I have not developed immunity to it till this very day.

2010-09-26T00:35:00.000-07:00

The best day I've had since a long time. http://thecray0nbox.tumblr.com/post/1190216616/today-made-up-for-the-bad-week-i-had

As for why I'm here, I have other things to say.

Random fact of the day: I drank hella beer today and I drank during day time for the first time o___O

Hey you, forreals now. Is THAT even worth it? It seems to come at way too high of cost. Whatever though. It's not my choice and maybe I do like it one way more than the other but I know the way I want it to be is fucked up as hell. The fucked up way is how I really want things to turn out deep down inside but I totally lie to myself and go with the nicey nice way. A bit senseless but yeah.

2010-09-15T21:34:00.001-07:00

Ok, my last post wasn't what I really wanted to say but it just came out that way. Here's what's really going on. I'm tired of not being able to go out without my parents calling at some point telling me to go home. Whether they know it or not, my productivity level at home is 29834723949384237208473 times lower than if I were to go to a friend's house. Why is that so hard to believe? They're clinging on too tightly to basic stereotypes and they just can't accept anything different. I'm sick and tired of them telling me to go home. I don't want to go home. I really need to get out of here for a week or so and just chill until I'm ready to go home. Yeah, it's rude and disrespectful and what not but I think it'll be better for me and the rest of my family in the long run. You can't have too much of anything right? I guess in my case it includes family.

2010-09-15T21:15:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had those moments where you wished that you could change your past so that things could just be different? I seem to be getting a lot of those lately. There's not much to it except that I want to experience something different other than my Chinese parents with all these strict rules and restrictions. Ever since about middle school, I felt like they've tried to hide too much from me. I think that trying to "protect" your child from bad things is a fail method. First off, you can't hide that stuff from them forever. When the day comes that they find out, their curiosity is going to spark and they'll want to try it. Second of all, knowledge of those things doesn't necessarily mean that they'll fall into it. As a matter of fact, maybe it would encourage them not to try it. That's only what I think of course. Anyways, my point is that as I grew older and older, I started to feel like my parents hid things from me as a child, things I needed to know. Bottom line is, sometimes I wish my life happened differently. Then again, there are some events and some people that would have never happened if everything changed. Those things are too precious to lose. I would never give them up even if it kills me.

Tension.

2010-09-12T22:21:00.000-07:00

I have never been so scared being at home. The atmosphere is so tense right now. Any conversation started is ended in chaos. No one can talk to anyone else without some type of yelling occurring. Everyone is angry and no one seems to be able to get along with each other. As of now, we're all sitting in a different room doing our own little things. I personally am uncomfortable as hell in here right now. It would be nice to be able to crash at someone's house for the week just so we can all take a step back, take a deep breath, and come back together calm and collected, ready to be a happy family again. I have no idea what has been going on lately. I guess we're just all a bit stressed with our own things. It's not unusual that my parents and I aren't getting along but even they aren't getting along so well with each other. I can almost guarantee that this is mainly because of me. I'm not trying to purposely blame it on myself. It just really seems that way most of the time. Sometimes, I imagine how better off my parents would be if they didn't have me. I honestly feel like I don't fit in most of the time. What if they really did make a mistake back at the hospital 17 years ago? Well things haven't been falling into place lately between my parents and me. I guess they're just worried about this whole college deal and they're getting the impression that I'm not serious about it. Their lecturing isn't doing me all that good. Rather, it is doing the opposite. The way they phrase things and the tone of their voice and all that is very discouraging. Thanks for reminding me of every area where I fall short. Whether they know it or not, their remarks have done some damage to my self esteem. I can never seem to find the confidence in myself. I have had several people take note of my lack in confidence. Sometimes, I just want to give up. The most discouraging thing they have said by far? "If you don't get your act together and start showing that you can take care of yourself, you're going to go to City or Skyline whether you make it into a UC or not." Way to motivate me to get good grades. I'm not about to let them stop me from going to the school of my choice. Anyways, I'll be 18 and they have no say although they do have the option of not paying for me. That I would have to figure out if worse comes to worse, which I hope does not happen. This has been the most disturbing and discouraging thing they have said to me by far. Hearing it replay in my head makes me want to punch the wall. Hearing it replay in my head is more annoying than hearing a clock tick loudly in the middle of the night. I really want to do something right and become someone. As of now, I don't see any of that shit happening. All this discouragement is becoming unbearable. I try so hard to ignore it but it just keeps coming back. I'm so used to trying to block it all out that I don't seem to remember that I need to respond to my parents when we actually need to talk. I'm trying that hard not to hear it because it's that much of a pain to hear. What else? My parents don't trust that I can wash my own damn dishes, do my fucking homework, take fucking care of my fucking self without fucking up, cook my own fucking food, and fucking live on my own. From what they say, I'm getting the message that they think I'd fucking die if I tried living on my own. I'm really feeling that love and trust. Thanks? I feel that it is motivating me in a wrong way. I feel like I have to do those things to prove them wrong rather than for my own benefit. I can't seem to change that mentality because it bothers me so much that I just want to get it done right and shove it in their faces. It's human nature so don't blame me ok? I just want everything to be good. Not perfect, just decent, just bearable. Is that too hard to ask for? In this day and age, it seems to be so.

Randomness

2010-09-10T01:56:00.000-07:00

No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten.

Unwritten-Natasha Bedingfield

This song has a lot of meaning if you take time to look at the lyrics. She's right though. No one can say what you want to say and feel what you really feel. Nobody, nobody but you. Your book is going to be blank until you break out of your shell and do something with your life. Fuck what those judgemental douches think and say. It is one thing to know that how others judge you is unimportant but it's a whole new story to apply it and put it into action. Trust me, it will feel so nice when you disregard all those discouraging remarks. Breathe air and live life before it all slips away.

Confession: Whether I admitted before or not, I'm going to admit it now. I cared what people thought of me. I cared so much to the point that I was scared to do ANYTHING. That would explain my quietness and what not. I was afraid that what I did and say would be judged. I just couldn't stand the thought of that happening. Something cracked my shell though. I'm not sure what it was but it cracked my shell wide open. Something just turned my mind around and opened my eyes to a whole new world. It's hard to explain but all I know that it was very relieving. To be able to act like yourself whenever and wherever is truly living life.

Pet Peeve

2010-09-08T23:24:00.000-07:00

When people go "hello?!" on AIM. If I haven't responded for a long time, isn't it fucking obvious that I'm not there? Don't you "hello" me. STFU -___- It just really, really bothers me. This isn't directed at anyone in particular so don't feel offended. It's just anyone in general.

I guess this blog won't be abandoned after all.

2010-09-06T12:01:00.000-07:00

Confession: Facebook and Tumblr restricts me from swearing because I know EVERYONE has access to it. I swear around people I know who could care less but when it comes to some people who will stop me for it, I'll control myself. Sometimes, not being able to swear restricts me from properly expressing myself.

I'm pretty glad this blog is supposedly abandoned. If you read this, good for you. If you don't I could care less.

For the sake of privacy.

2010-08-22T18:47:00.000-07:00

Okay, I really feel like blogging something I don't really want too many people to be reading so I decided to come back here. I guess this can be my "secret" blog o__O

Anyways, having only gone through 3 days of senior year, I'm still in summer mode. What I intended to be just another regular day turned out to be another sleepover night. So after my doctor's appointment, I headed to Ivy's house and we waited for Ray and Jhun to head out to Chinatown. So we got there and the guys went searching for their wooden swords. After a bit, Ivy and I ditched them and we went to random places on our own. Had some Thai tea, popcorn chicken, and egg puffs at Quickly's. After a while, met back up with the guys and Martin came too. Chilled at that park where all the old Chinese people play cards and what not. Monkey bars are so hard now because I'm so fat and my legs are too long. Afterwards, headed to Downtown to eat at The Cheesecake Factory for dinner. Pretty quick wait compared to last time. About an hour or so. Chilled on the Macy's couches like everyone else. Cheesecake Factory's bread is super godly. The waitress started looking irritated after we asked for more like 4 times LOL. Had a good meal but didn't order any cheesecake even though I was super tempted to. Too expensive =( After dinner, we sat outside at Union Square for a bit then headed back to Chinatown so we could litter our poppers, firecrackers, and what not. Chilled at that St. Mary's Square park (I think that's what it's called) for a while and finally decided to head home at around 10pm. The guys planned a sleepover at Martin's and told Ivy and I to go and we both got our butts yelled at by our parents/grandparents. I ended up going but Ivy just went home =( Took the 14 back to Daly City then took a long walk to drop off Ivy then to Martin's place. Somehow, along the way, they decided that we should drink -___- And so we did. Yes, we including me. Had some 47.3% gin. I ALWAYS check the percentage so I know when to stop =) I think the stuff was called Tanqueray if I'm not mistaken. Anyways, I ended up taking 3.5 shots and I was buzzed like I was never buzzed before. Drinking with an empty stomach really makes it hit you like BAM. Well, everyone was pretty much gone after a bit since none of us ate. Not like crazy gone but just buzzed and in that "too happy/hyper" mode. I only have a very vague memory of how things went down and if I'm not wrong, we messed with the piano and actually played songs, we ate, walked the house like idiots (well at least I felt like I did), randomly talked about random stuff, karaoke (all I remember is Martin yelling into the mic), Rock Band, span around in a spinny chair (I hate you guys for forcing me but I barely even remember it happening LOL), and I think we ended up watching TV. Ohyeah, somehow as dizzy as I was, I managed to take some great pictures and some videos LOL. The last thing I remember doing was trying to stay awake watching TV around 3:30-4:00am. I remember I was sitting next to Ray and who knows what we were watching but I tipped over and fell asleep on his shoulder or something and after what seemed like only an hour or so I woke up and I saw sunlight. Apparently, I fell asleep in an awkward position and my back hurt like hell. I was still in the sitting on the couch position but I was tipped over and I slept like a baby. You know you had a good sleep when you felt like you only slept a bit when in reality you slept for super long. Ya know what I mean? We woke up around 9am since Nicko was going to come get the guys to go the dojo to do some stuff. Sat around and just chilled until then. I got a ride to Colma bart and took the 121 home. The 121 on a Sunday morning is such a good ride. Fast and quiet and just perfect. Loved the weather by the way. Sun! Too bad I spent the rest of the day at home. I still kinda felt the stuff when I was walking home @__@ It was all fun and worth it though =)I swear I've never been so buzzed in my life. Good thing I shared that last shot with Jhun or I would've been drunk. Swearrrr. I went pee like 3 times -___- Not cool. Can't remember much still. I remember some weird things happening but I'm not sure if it really happened or exactly how it happened so I rather not say. And so my half a year "not getting wasted" streak ends.

Goodbye until next time.

Bye Bye Blogspot

2010-07-30T12:33:00.000-07:00

If you haven't already noticed, I don't really touch this blog anymore. I have to admit, Tumblr is way more interesting. I knew I would switch to it one day so catch me there!
http://thecray0nbox.tumblr.com/

Independence Day

2010-07-06T01:00:00.000-07:00

As you know, crowds of people like to go out and celebrate and watch fireworks on July 4th but who's actually prideful about the independence of our country? Well, I'm not! :X

http://norcallaxkid.tumblr.com/post/776023890/july-4th

As for my July 4th, it felt more like getting temporary independence from my parents. No, not really. The thing is, I'm sick of the fact that my parents are still treating me like a little kid. I admit that I tend to act like one at times but it's because I'm frustrated that my parents don't trust me enough. They think they understand, but I don't believe that they fully understand what's going on in my mind or in my life. It's really irritating that they judge me solely on what they see. They've never stopped and asked me if that was what I really thought or what I wanted. They just go ahead and assume just because they feel that they have that ability. I know I shouldn't be complaining because I should take the initiative to tell them if I really want them to know but I just don't have the courage. Partially because I don't think they would believe me and partially because I like to go about things on my own. It's sort of like a secret that you don't want to tell anyone except for those few people that you know that will trust and understand. If I told my parents that I quit drinking, I get the feeling that they won't believe me. I don't even have the courage to try. I guess it narrows down to the fact that I care too much about what people thing about me. I'm digressing here but I feel like there's some stereotypical barrier between me and my parents. They have this idea of me and then there's the real me. I don't even want to know what they think of me and I don't want to tell them about me. I guess I'll leave it at that. Anyways, what I was really trying to say is that I'm sick of having to lie to them when I want to go somewhere they don't want me to go. First, I had to lie to them about going to watch the Twilight Trilogy then I had to lie to them about watching fireworks at the pier. The guilt doesn't really hit me but I'm just sick of having to lie. It's like how they say the truth sets you free. I feel so uneasy having to lie. I just want to be able to say it. On top of them not trusting me, I hate how they keep reminding me to do this and do that like I don't have a brain of my own. I just hate it. This is all coming from the fact that I look at other people and see that their parents trust them. I don't want to hate on my parents but it's just so hard to like them the way they are sometimes. I don't even know right now. I can't say I'm unfortunate. I don't know if I'm right or wrong to think this but I just know it just doesn't feel right. I ponder over this too much I get myself lost. I just want it to be all good. I guess this is a good prayer moment though.

It's been a while.

2010-07-01T14:34:00.000-07:00

Laziness = a lot of pictures in one post!

Oh, and Taeyang's album! =D

http://www.mediafire.com/?nmiwty3tkzm

Joyce at Skyline. Glad to know that there are other people taking classes so I won't be a loner =)

Daphne and Tabia. Daphne drove for the first time. Tabia has an ancient car.

Tuttimelon

Her car doesn't tell time @__@

Guess whose hands?

Hangout at Tabia's house. Lmao @ Jolene.

Tabia <3's Gebe.

Kinda cool.

Drummer status.

Woahhh look at that hair!

Typical summer day in Daly City.

Watched Grown Ups on opening day with Sam.

Twilight Trilogy with Tabia and Daphne!

Ktan and Sam @ Millbrae!

Sun

Only if Daly City and SF looked this nice too.

Star in the sand.

Millbrae park.

On the plane to Vegas.

Clouds.

Every roof in Vegas looks the same o___O

Bellagio

Candy apple. Looks good, but doesn't taste all that great.

Some weirdo Asian lady at Grand Canyon.

Boat ride indoors on the second floor of a hotel o__O

Fake sky.

Check out the fridge in the hotel room =O

Hotel room at The Venetian.

Las Vegas Blvd

Hooters energy drink?

Squirrel!!!

Coins in a fountain.

The Venetian.

Dick's butts.

New York, New York

Twilight Trilogy in XD at Century with Tabia and Daphne. 7 hours of the Twilight Saga.

IHOP at 2AM.

New York Cheesecake pancakes.

Nomnomnom.

Ketchup with pancakes?

Ketchup + hot sauce + pancakes = FAIL!

Mission Street at 4AM.

Creepy.

Marriot Hotel at 6AM.

Daphne Zzzzzzzz

Camp 2010: Undivided Devotion//365 project update

2010-06-14T00:05:00.000-07:00

http://norcallaxkid.tumblr.com/post/693360727/camp-2010-undivided-devotion

A little something I typed up last night when I was really tired. Well, I have a bit to add to it.

Well, the struggle begins. Struggle #1- my parents. We are told to honor our father and mother but I find it very difficult. Aside from disrespecting them, I get heated and I start to lose my positive mentality which somewhat draws me away from being the good side of me. Struggle #2- After realizing how most of my actions were bad times infinity, I'm a bit hesitant to do anything because I'm scared that it would be wrong. I sit around all day wondering what I should do. I have not fully grasped the gist of the change I'm trying to make so I'm afraid to take a step yet. Uhm, that's all for now. It's only going to get harder and I'm afraid that this is just going to be another spiritual high that will fade in time. I'm making it a priority for it to not happen.

Funny thing this morning. My parents planned to leave me at home but I woke up and bussed to church anyways. If this was before camp, I wouldn't have done that but I actually wanted to go to church this morning and so I did. Another thing, I'm excited to go to fellowship and all that. Yes, the effects of camp. I like it. I'm just hoping that it would last FOREVER.

Anyways, 365 update including some camp pictures. All the camp pictures are here http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=178615&id=616816028&l=3592a3af3a

6th period Physics with Gould.

Teresa!

Strawberries!

Haha, Kaela.

Caroline

WHS c/o 2010 graduation.

Congrats Jade!

I <3 sun pictures.

That donut smells nice.

Mel's 17th.

Someone can drive!

Killer whale sushi round two.

Paddle boating at Stow Lake.

Hot Cheetos <3

Kelly's Canon.

Sophomore year biology note cards.

Tanforan with Kelly & Sam.

Kelly's lovely window.

Bug #1-mosquito eater.

Fake flowers can be beautiful too.

A rainbow around the sun =O

Hello sky.

Awesome tasting cookies <3

Ew, spiders.

Diana's alarm.

KSJ 2010

Sam's friendship bracelets.

Sam & Kelly.

Esther & Lisa.

Junior guys.

Sam & Courtney.

Craig & Calvin & friends.

Diana, Kelly, Jen Chin, & Carmen

Last night at camp.

Accomplished.

2010-06-05T23:57:00.000-07:00

Poor blog is not getting much attention from me lately although I have loads of pictures to upload. I guess I'll get to them when I get back from camp.

Well, there goes one week of summer. I guess it was pretty nice start.

As for today, I felt like I got a lot done in this 24 hour day. Started off the day with the SATs which I think was an epic fail since I kept spacing out and I was just out of it. Afterwards, did this and that and then got picked up by Chris and headed to John's house for a bit for his birthday. Happy Birthday again! It was nice because EVERYONE was there. Like everyone that I ever met in their little "crew". Chilled for about two hours then had to leave. Sadface. Afterwards, ate dinner, finished packing for camp, and headed to Kelly's house for the night. We made a short trip to Safeway and bought some frosting and that was a really nice walk. The weather was so nice, something you don't get in Daly City but Millbrae ftw? Anyways, I'm with Sam and Kelly and Kelly's house right now and we're just chilling till we KO. We're supposed to go to church tomorrow morning @__@ Yeah, I go every week but I don't want to wake up so early! Well, camp is tomorrow which means no phone and internet and all that for one whole week. So see you all in a week. Gonna have awesome pictures with my awesome camera =) Anyways, the point I was trying to make was I feel super accomplished to have so many things today and that it went pretty smooth. That = happiness! SUCCESS! Goodnight and goodbye for the week!

One more day of junior year.

2010-05-27T19:34:00.000-07:00

Yeah, it's only junior year but I'm still getting that sad feeling. Yeah, there's still senior year before we might not see some people ever again forever but there's still that sense of sadness. Not so much that you won't see some people anymore but the fact that whatever happened this year, it's not going to happen again. All the classes, all the people, it's never going to be the same. You can experience the same feeling but NOTHING will replace those moments. Yeah, during the year when you're going through all the homework, tests, and other bullshit, all you're thinking is, "Fuck, it needs to be summer already," but when it comes down to the last few days, you realize how much you'll miss it all. I think it's just an effect of time. After spending so much time with everyone in your classes and seeing them from day to day, you get so used to it that when it's gone you're like, "Oh, I wish I could relive that." On top of that, you look back and you wish you could've talked to someone more or that you could've met someone earlier and what not. It's all good though. Watching the graduation even made me more sad. Just imagining that we'll be the ones up there next year. Like wow oh wow. Well, I kind of miss the seniors. I knew a few people and knowing that you might never see them again is kind of sad. On top of that, it feels awkward to think that we'll be the seniors next year. For the past three years, you had a class to look up to but now, you're going to be at the top and be the ones everyone looks up to. Like not look up as in set example type of thing but like being the oldest yadadadamean? But yeah. I think this post would've been more appropriate for tomorrow since tomorrow is my official last day of junior year but these things have just been running through my mind so I had to let it all out. Well, maybe I'll have another post tomorrow!

Thanks for the memories.

365 project update.

2010-05-24T22:13:00.000-07:00

Everyone has one of these green AA hoodies!

Kome sushi plate. [BEFORE]

Kome sushi plate. [AFTER]

I had to carry all this back to school -___-

Pokemon ftw!

My ghetto wallet.

Golden Gate Bridge! Sucky quality =(

California Pizza Kitchen for Michelle Ha's 17th!

A little gift from Teresa. The food was stale by the way @__@

Tumblr is taking over my blogspot. & Happy Birthday Jen Fang!

2010-05-14T22:25:00.001-07:00

I remember when I used to blog all the time here but I really can't resist using the Tumblr instead =X I'm so tempted to abandon this blog but I said I never would and I'm gonna try to stick to that!

As for my day, I went to Great America for Physics and pretty much chilled and did work. Didn't get to go on a million rollercoasters like I do with the besties but it beats going to school so I'm not gonna complain. Hella people though. It was way overcrowded and the lines were longer than the lines on a summer weekend. Pretty much explains the fact why we didn't get to go on a lot of the rides D:

Random fact: In pretty much every line we were waiting in, there was someone talking shit about someone. This bitch did this this bitch did that. Fuck this fuck that. Can't you say anything else?!

Eleanor Roosevelt, I agree.

Snoopy!

Matthew & Natalie. My lovely Great America group.

Amanda, Cyrene, and I don't know the other guy's name =X I wish I went on with them =(

Giant Pikachu!

The bird ate the gopher D:

Epic fail chimichanga explosion.

Hm.

#274

2010-05-07T22:46:00.000-07:00

#129-Wrong day to decide to bring a shitload of stuff with me home. Started walking to the bus stop only to find that the construction zone blocked off that way so I ended up having to jump the fence and to walk around more fences to get to the bus stop. Thank God Adrian and friends were there to help. Thanks guys! Halfway through my bus ride, I realize I forgot my keys. Called up my dad to come home to open the door. While I was walking home, papers decided to fall out of my binder which explains the picture. It was a windy day so I just caught them as fast as possible. What a bad luck journey home.

#130-Donated blood! I would post the pic of my arm wrapped with the bandage still but it looks kinda ew to me. Well, basically sat for ten minutes in a nice comfy chair while I watched my blood flow through a tube into a big bag. Felt really cold afterwards. Got super sleeping after going back to class. Especially English @__@

#131-Watched Iron Man 2 with Vivian! Sneaked some Subway into the theaters haha. We ended up having to watch the XD one because the earlier ones were sold out and the later ones were too late. Pretty good movie although I was sorta lost since I never watched the first one. Overall good movie though.

#273

2010-05-02T22:30:00.000-07:00

Thanks Sam, Jolene, Jen, and Tabia for the balloons! They're still floating by the way =O

Yay, more shoes! Thanks guys <3

Ew, phone camera quality.
Cheesecake Factory @ Palo Alto = 20 minute wait only

Nomnomnom Safeway. Everything there is basically mines except for the bread.

#272

2010-04-29T22:46:00.000-07:00

I've been a lazy blogger these days. Actually, I've been using the tumblr but just mostly those short, senseless posts. http://norcallaxkid.tumblr.com/

Anyways, on Sunday, Sam, Jolene, Tabia, and Jen Fang surprised me with a little surprise. So Sam kidnapped me after church and she blindfolded me and then I was just sitting there lost. Picked up Jen at her house. Haha, they were supposed to keep that a secret but I have good ears ;D Then, we drove round and round and I didn't know where the hell we were going cus they kept me blindfolded. Finally we stopped and they got me out and then bambambam they un-blindfolded me and I see Jolene and Tabia and they're all yelling happy birthday haha <3 Thanks guys! Then we had some fatass 4 pound sushi. Ordered three plates too so 12 pounds @__@ Sam & Jen shared a plate and Tabia & Jolene shared one and they made me finish one myself. So it was supposed to be a challenge where I get the whole plate of sushi for free if I finished it within 30 mins but of course I failed. The lady even gave me extra time but I still failed XD. Well we all had plenty of takeout. Headed to the beach afterwards and just sat there and chilled. Shelly dropped by with a little treat ;D Nice seeing ya! Went to Jen's house afterwards. Just chilllled then went home. Thanks for everything! And thanks to all those who greeted me. Made my day <3

Too lazy to post the pics but they're all here. http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=167194&id=616816028&l=f4b23235a4

Ahh I was supposed to post more stuff but I'm getting sleepy and lazy so maybe tomorrow! Goodnight!

2010-04-22T19:35:00.000-07:00

I hate how the legendary Pokemon run away D:

The horror.

Regina.

First period- 4 absences, 3 tardies. >__<

#269

2010-04-19T17:42:00.000-07:00

Well all my weekend plans got pwned but I guess things didn't turn out that bad.

San Mateo Bridge fail.

Traffic.

Cause of the traffic. http://www.mercurynews.com/ci_14910045?source=most_viewed

I love kicking dandelions.

I was kinda bored at the barbeque.

My dad: Get a drink but don't get beer!

Sunset set set set.

Wedding Dress [electric guitar version]

2010-04-17T22:43:00.000-07:00

Raw talent.

You gotta be blind to not see the difference.

2010-04-15T20:54:00.000-07:00

Feels like forever since I've blogged but it hasn't even been a week.

Well, strangely, I feel relieved that spring break is over. It was not relaxing at all. It felt slower and worse than a week of regular school. I'm so glad to get that algebra packet done with. Turns out we're not even grading that thing till after the STAR test. Thanks a lot. Oh, and top of that, I got marked late for it because I didn't turn it in before first period -___- What kind of rule is that? If we had to cheat, we had a whole week to do it. Hello, this is the 21st century, which means advanced technology, which means send the answers online in an instant. Sucks that I was actually the one doing the work though. I was going to go on a long rant about how stupid that all was but after seeing that she gave me an A again for the quarter, I'll save it for next time. Trust me, there will be a next time.

Other than that, I seem to be piled with homework, projects, and educational crap lately. It's like taking over my life. I don't even have a life anymore. I just feel like a robot following the routines of this world not because I want to but because that's how I've been programmed to operate. I feel like I lost everything else that makes me, me. Well, the things that really keep me going are Pokemon and guitar and the computer although I really find it boring half the time.

As for going out, it doesn't seem like I do much of that anymore. Everyday, it's just like go to school, go home. Go to SAT class, go home. Go to church, go home. In short, no life. Well, things change, situations change, causing you to have to change whether you want to or not. Well, I don't have the courage to oppose the change, but that's just me. I guess you would have to really know me to know EXACTLY what I meant there. I'm thinking this happening all of a sudden, so abruptly and unexpectedly is all a sign. I mean, I've been told that this is it. After the end of this year, after I finish off SATs, and after I apply for college, I'll have some time to just chill. Well, distractions mean that I won't concentrate on those things. Parents' wish granted? Oh whatever.

Oh yeah, pictures. Well, I guess I haven't really had time for many lately.

Met up with Jolene at Eggettes last Friday =)

Some crazy rain on Sunday.

ABDC season 5 finale! I didn't even watch this whole season haha.

Spring Break Was Shit-tastic

2010-04-11T22:43:00.001-07:00

The algebra 2 packet definitely killed it. Pissed me off like lafjsalfyjalfjal. Now, more school. Bigger shitloads of joy. Grrrreaaat.

Summer summer summer! 35 more days of school! Fucking counting down.

About to fail my English make up quiz tomorrow if I don't start my googling now. Still got 52 problems of algebra 2 that I skipped because I didn't know them.

FML x infinity.

Pictures when I get out of this mess.

Miranda Cosgrove - Kissin' U

2010-04-09T20:57:00.000-07:00

I actually like this songs. She's a pretty good singer haha.

spring break = boring

2010-04-07T21:11:00.000-07:00

This would be the most boring spring break I've had since forever. I've been doing volunteer hours and that's the only time I'm out. The rest of the day, I'm at home doing random shit waiting on time to pass. One word, lame. I've basically been on the computer as always, learning songs on the guitar, PLAYING POKEMON and the other games on the R4, HK drama, sleeping, eating, and the oh so despicable fatass bullshit math packet from Dela Cruz. She must be on some shit because giving us ten pages of math problems over spring break is like not having a spring break at all.

Nintendo DS Lite, Ipod Touch, Phone. Oh how dependable I've become on electronics to keep me happy during this boring break.

Hm, I found this remix somewhat interesting.